I actually had a cordial conversation with my ex last week. It took 7 years, a big crisis, and my daughter’s therapist being away for the summer for it to happen. 

Here’s some background. I’m 66 and my adopted daughter is 11, my ex husband is 14 years younger than me. Why did I adopt a child at age 55? A misguided attempt to keep my marriage together.

Of course the opposite happened. The stress broke up my already shaky marriage. I was much too old to deal with a baby, especially a hyperactive baby like my daughter, who had been drug exposed in utero. 

My ex and I fought constantly about what he saw as my “selfishness,” because I expected him to do the lion’s share of parenting. A “friend” from the office who had been in love with him for years saw her opportunity and she pounced.

The woman he left me for is ten years younger than him. They were much better able to supervise my emotionally disturbed daughter than I was, so at age seven she left to live with them. She kept visiting with me but to make a long story somewhat shorter, the conflict between me and them escalated as my daughter acted out more and more with me, and they blamed me for her problems. 

My daughter finally wound up in a psychiatric hospital and in special ed. They badmouthed me to her more and more as time went on, and I accused them of parental alienation which they denied. Things got so ugly and heated that we started communicating only through the therapist who ran her Special Ed program. 

I didn’t see my daughter for an entire year-at her request. The therapist said she couldn’t handle the conflict between the two families and since she was living with them, and more dependent on them, she felt my daughter had to choose.   

Her therapist ran interference between them and me very skillfully, so my daughter and I started visiting again six months ago. Things were going well until this summer.

Of course school is out in the summer, so there was no one to run interference. My daughter, who may be emotionally disturbed but is also extremely intelligent, is no slouch at playing both ends against the middle.

She told me a bunch of stuff that they said that really pissed me off, so I wrote one of my famous inflammatory emails to my ex. He calls them “toxic” emails. Things went downhill from there. The kid got furious at me for revealing her secrets and refused to visit with me again.

They actually talked her into changing her mind, and she did make one visit, but got furious for another reason and stalked out, saying she didn’t want to come back. At this point there was no therapist to talk to so I had to call my ex.

The ex and I actually had a civil conversation where we both expressed bewilderment about what was going on with her, and we both agreed that she was better off not visiting with me until the fall when she had the support of her special ed program and therapist. 

We discussed the parental alienation issue and he said, “do you really think I did that?” He obviously was totally clueless and in denial about the whole thing. I said, “I don’t think you did it intentionally, but yes, you did it.”  

Actually it was much more her stepmother than him who did the badmouthing but I didn’t want to get into that. Anyway we had an agreeable talk, I apologized for the toxic emails, and he said he’d contact me if she changed her mind and wanted to see me.

I am very sad about not seeing my daughter for God knows how long yet again, but I think it’s best for her. I’ve been harboring a huge amount of rage against him and his wife for years, and all of a sudden it’s gone. I finally realize they did what they did and the damage has been done, there’s nothing I can do about it now but accept it. I feel a whole lot better not being angry although I can’t say I’ve a come to a place of forgiveness yet.  

I will write more about forgiveness in the future.

 
I spoke at a divorce support group last night and heard some interesting stories about adult children of divorce. One woman’s ex told her 19-year-old son that he was about to divorce her before he told her. Actually he asked his son whether he thought it was a good idea. I thought I’d heard everything but this was a new twist. The poor kid suffered a breakdown after the divorce. 
Another woman shared with the group that her husband was a serial philanderer but she hadn’t told her 21-year-old son the real reason they split. It seemed he had a variety of mental health problems and she was afraid of his reaction. Her marriage counselor and his therapist agreed. 

However, her son was curious about the reason for the divorce, and what his father had done and kept asking her. Her ex just lied to him, she said. I told her I felt her son deserved the truth. She didn’t have to tell him the details, just that his father had affairs, period, but I feel that family secrets are toxic.

I shared with her that my parents split up when I was ten, and got back together six months later. I had no idea why they split and neither of them told me. After my dad died, when I was 35, I asked my very proper mother why they broke up and she at first said, “we had problems.” I asked, “what kind of problems?” She said, “you know, problems.” I said, “mom, I’m thirty-five, you can tell me.” Finally she said, looking very embarrassed, “well he had affairs.” Strangely, I wasn’t shocked although I had no clue he’d ever had affairs. I never saw my dad flirt with other women or any signs that he’d screwed around. But somehow it made sense, considering who they were and what their relationship was like. 

She was the domineering wife, who controlled the marriage and took care of him, me and everything else. He was the dependent and resentful spouse, who acted like a rebellious teenager, just like my ex who also cheated, but just with the woman he left me for. It made sense that my handsome dad would rebel by having affairs. He was too dependent on my mom to actually leave.
I told the woman at the group that I wished I’d known about my father’s affairs. She asked why. I told her it would have helped me understand their relationship, my adolescence which was hell, and my own life. I thought I had a right to know about them, if only to sort out my own problems and issues. 

I wonder how other older divorced women have handled this issue?  How have you dealt with your adult children when it came to explaining their dad’s cheating, or your own for that matter?