He’s History, You’re Not

So what’s best?  Revenge or forgiveness?   I am publishing this book which is pretty graphic about my marriage and about my cheating ex and his current wife (his affair partner).   My daughter will read it someday.  In the meantime they have it hanging over them-they know they will have to answer to her about what they did eventually.  Somehow this seems just punishment to me.    Undoubtedly people in our small community will read it as well and gossip.  They are very private people and this will embarrass the hell out of them.    But it’s knowing that my daughter will someday turn around and say, “is this true?  Did you treat mommy like this?” and they will have to own up, or lie.    It’s hard to lie about something in black and white that’s been published.    Not self-published, but published by a reputable publisher and vetted by a lawyer

As for forgiveness, I would like to forgive them but so far haven’t made any headway.  I know I would feel better if I could, but have no idea how to manage it, considering the conflict, and their turning my daughter against me.  I believe they’re trying to stop badmouthing me because her shrink has read them the riot act, but there’s still nasty stuff going on, like reading a book I gave her for “inappropriate content.”

How do I forgive these two?  Is it possible?  Should I try?  They have never expressed remorse–the opposite in fact.

I just found this in the wrong folder on my computer.  I found it really moving since I’d forgotten  about some of these feelings.   If you remember, Retrouvaille is a marriage encounter workshop where we went to “try to save our marriage.”  In reality my ex was trying to feel less guilty about cheating on me:

The question I was supposed to write to him about was “What was the most significant part of the weekend for me?”

The 90 minute exercise about what made life worth living.   I only got through 45 minutes of it but it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don’t really remember too well what I wrote, but it was terribly bleak and desperate and negative. I usually think of myself as an optimistic person with many reasons to live, but all of a sudden the bottom fell out for me. I think what you said to me before we went to bed the night before really hit me hard. I cried and cried and cried that morning until I fell down on the bed and just about went to sleep. I think there may be a very bleak part of me that I’m not really in touch with. Maybe I just pretend to be so optimistic and positive. I’m also a depressive. I remember once my mother said to me that she felt terribly pessimistic about life and I found it hard to believe her since her general attitude was so upbeat. Maybe I’ve inherited that secret cynicism and pessimism.

I think that question was so powerful also because it forced me to come to grips with how I really felt about you. In some ways I was still going along to get along where you were concerned. I was staying with you out of habit and fear of leaving and to do what was best for our daughter. I didn’t realize I felt that bleak about our marriage, I hadn’t confronted my hopelessness up until that point. I hadn’t thought about it that much, maybe because it was too painful. That question forced me to face all the pain I was still blocking out. I wonder if I have to feel it again and again to finally get rid of it.

What I wrote wasn’t totally true of course. Today I feel that I have a reason to live. I also have hope that we can rescue our relationship. Part of the significance of that question was your response to what I wrote. It was the first time I felt you acknowledged what I’d gone through and showed real remorse and some desire for forgiveness. I felt I’d finally gotten through to you–that I wasn’t just blowing off steam for no reason.

That question and my response to it also gave me insights into why I avoid this kind of work. It’s like why I desperately wanted to avoid being there when my mother was dying. You think of me as courageous, and in some ways I am. But when it comes to intense emotional pain I go to great lengths to avoid it. I feel that I’m a coward when it comes to this kind of pain–I just want to escape–read a book–watch tv–anything but feel my feelings. This is why I never kept a journal although it’s the kind of thing a writer should naturally do. I have a couple of journals left from when I was young and they’re very intense and very incomplete. A few entries and then I give up…

Love,

I finally went to my friend Avigail’s Tarot class Saturday afternoon.   It’s run by Rachel Pollack, who has written about 20 books and is one the most well known tarot experts in the country (along with Mary Greer).  They were kind enough to do a spread for me about my daughter—with these really cool transparent plastic cards which enable you to see how the cards look on top of each other.

I got mostly pentacles and swords cards (can’t remember the exact names) but it was very interesting.  My daughter loves to swing sticks and is enamored of weapons like swords.    Pentacles are the practical, down to earth cards, and the consensus was that she and her father and stepmother were the swords and I was the pentacles.  In the first card I was holding out a pentacle in a supplicating posture, representing how I don’t stand up to my daughter, I try to “buy” her with things which doesn’t work.

As the reading progressed my cards got stronger.  My figure finally stood up to offer the pentacles.  In another two characters were facing each other each with a sword—connoting me finally standing up to my daughter.  In another a knight of swords, a small, sneaky knight, was trying to cut off my head when his card was put on top of mine.  I interpreted this as my ex trying to undermine our relationship, as usual.  He’s not going to change.   In another a figure was standing behind fence of swords, with a small opening in the middle, interpreted as my daughter still fencing me off, but leaving a small opening for me or her to pass through.

The cards I liked best were ones with the king of pentacles and another with a queen of swords reversed, which for sure was my daughter’s wicked stepmother. I was the king of pentacles.  The queen of swords had black hair and looked evil, just like her.  But when the cards were laid on top of each other, the king was vanquishing the queen, which everyone interpreted as me finally triumphing over her.  The reading was for this year by the way.

If you believe in this stuff, and why not, it can give you all kinds of insights into your situation.  I hope the reading had some veracity.  I’ll report back.

Thursday night I had a run in with another local writer that taught me a much-needed lesson.   I’d met her at a writing workshop and  invited her to speak at a writers group I run at Barnes and Noble, but only a few people showed up.   I emailed her the next day to apologize for the small turnout, offered to take her to dinner, and she responded with a blistering email:

<<how dare you invite me and then do NO promotion?
how dare you keep telling me how successful so-and-so’s (another local writer’s) reading was?
how dare you not even split the check with me?
how dare you be so lazy and not even invite the other 10 women from our group, who are all writing non-fiction?

no, you cannot take me to dinner
how much time and money would that cost me?

one thing i think you should know— i most assuredly will NOT be doing anything else with you when my paperback comes out

or any other time >>

Omigod I was devastated. I shot back a VERY apologetic email, explaining that I thought B&N would do the promotion, that I didn’t notice when the check arrived (I did give her what she said was my share) basically didn’t think of inviting our workshop group, did some major groveling including explaining that I have self-destructive impulses when I’m trying to impress someone and was distracted due to problems with my daughter. She wrote back that she forgave me and wished me well, but thought it would be best to avoid me in the future. I ran into town and sent her flowers

At dinner, before she got pissed, she told me join Facebook and “friend” her so I could see her webpage.  I did that later and she didn’t respond to my invitation.   No acknowledgement of the flowers either so far.

I posted about this on my journalist’s website and got a slew of responses telling me she was a major bitch, how dare SHE talk to ME like that, no one has a right to talk to me like that, they would have done their own promotion and be OK with a small turnout, and I shouldn’t have groveled.  The more I thought about this the more I agreed.  I realized that my first instinct when someone attacks me is to roll over and wait to be kicked, like a submissive animal.  That’s what I did in my marriage, I never really stood up for myself when my ex went after me.  In fact it never occurred to me that he shouldn’t speak to me that way.  And it never occurred to me that this woman had no right to speak to me that way either.

This is a wake up call.  The next time someone attacks me I’m taking a deep breath and checking it out with saner people before I roll over and play dead.  Then I’m going to stick up for myself.  I swear I am.

I got this question from a divorcee who was dumped for a younger woman after 25 years of marriage.  She wanted to know if these relationships stick or break up.  The traditional wisdom is that they usually break up, but my husband married his affair partner and many of the women I interviewed for my book had the same experience.       I’m wondering what your experience is?

This divorcee also said she envies women whose marriage broke up for other reasons than infidelity.  How do you feel about that?  I agree with her.  I especially envy women who did the leaving.  Betrayal is the worst way to end a long time marriage.

Also, if he DID leave you for a younger woman, was that worse than if she’d been your age or does age not matter?   I personally didn’t give a damn about her age, just her bitchy behavior.