We were discussing this in my divorce support group tonight. I’m of the “go ahead and hit send” school, as long as your ex isn’t going to haul you into court over what you wrote. My co-leader, who’s a kinda new agey girl thinks you should take the high road and write it but don’t send it. Personally I’ve gotten a lot of satisfaction in sending those inflammatory emails because I know how much they upset him. His wife (former girlfriend who he left me for) said so in a “family therapy” session. Seems she was terribly upset with me for upsetting her darling husband. Tough noogies as they used to say when I was a kid.
My favorite–and most effective–inflammatory email was the one accusing both of them of parental alienation in no uncertain terms. I went into great detail about their heinous behavior with my kid. Since they both work for social services they recognized that I could haul them into court for that kind of thing, so miracle of miracles, they toned it down. That was one email that actually worked. I’m not sending them anymore because I’m tapped out, and also I promised not to, but hey, give me enough reason and I’ll go back to my wicked ways. As a writer, I’m damned good at them.
February 24, 2009 – 12:41 pm
Lawnguy on divorce360.com responded to my post about blue collar guy. I just have to reprint this. It’s hysterical:
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Saying “ain’t” a lot ain’t a problem. The other things about Creationism may prove to be a barrier if yo’re not bent that way. Some guys go on and on simply because they don’t know what else to do. If he is truly someone you may be interested in you may want to consider some written guidelines. Most guys are dense and require clearly identifiable boundaries. W For example; You may want to email him and state the following 1) You can only talk about yourself after I’m done saying what I have to say. 2) You may only speak when I’m talking in order to clarify something I’ve been saying. 3) The following areas of discussion are forbidden: ex-wives, religion, politics, other forms of magic, and money. 4) I will do something you like (such as bass fishing or going to a monster truck rally) without complaining if you do something I like (such as a play or a jazz band) without complaining or whining. Tit-for-tat. Blue collar guys are good for a lot of things-even old ones. They can fix things, they can drive a long way,they can learn new basic skills, they shower at the end of the day as opposed to the morning, they’re always greatful for attention like hand holding and watching TV together, they’re usually good for their word-a man’s word is his bond, etc., etc., they’ll drive 600 miles to bail your stupid daughter out of a DV situation and maybe even bring some friends along, etc. The down side of blue collar old guys is that that they’re not flexible in a lot of areas such as politics or religion, they often don’t tolerate a lot of silliness from people-especially from people who cop an attitude (respect is a big deal for these guys), they don’t travel much. It makes them nervous, they absolutely will not talk about their feelings-physiologically impossible, they like things that you may not like football, monstertrucks, and ribeye steaks. They get really nervous about women’s sexuality-you gotta take it slow with these guys and not whip out toys on him right away.
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February 23, 2009 – 3:26 pm
So I went out with blue collar guy, twice in fact. The first time I met him for a drink at a local bar/restaurant where he bought me dinner. He’s nice looking, and the evening was pleasant. He talked, and talked – a lot – didn’t ask much about me and his conversation wasn’t exactly scintillating, but it wasn’t a long evening so it was kind of relaxing—drink and food made it pleasant. He’s one of these guys who goes into excruciating detail about everything, whether or not you have any interest in it–he doesn’t pay attention to whether you’re interested. He has a very sweet side—loves animals and tries to rescue them. On the other hand he believes in “creationalism” Oy vey. And he goes to a “nutritionalist” and says “ain’t” a lot.
The next time I invited him to a play, which he enjoyed a lot. He’s not dumb—he does huge crossword puzzles which would be beyond me and enjoyed the theatrical experience and even had a good insight into the play. But I couldn’t get much of a discussion going about it.
He told me his marriage broke up because his wife was bi polar. I’ve noticed in my internet dating adventures that guys all say their ex wives were crazy and that’s why their marriages broke up. I tend to think the guys drove their wives crazy. There’s a question I always ask because the answer is usually interesting and surprising. “What would your wife say if someone asked her why the marriage broke up”? I thought he’d say because he didn’t make enough money or was out of work or something like that. He said “lack of communication.” Aha. Not surprising. After a while I’d want to throttle him myself for not listening to me. He drones on and on and after a while it’s like a soporific—I wanted to go to sleep.
Wierdly enough I like his emails. They’re lively, authentic and interesting if misspelled. Maybe we can just email each other.
Is it possible someone can change this late in life? He’s 60. Could he learn to listen or is it too late?
February 18, 2009 – 11:46 pm
I have no idea if anything will come of this, but I agreed to go out with someone who sounds totally inappropriate for me. He’s a working class, blue collar guy, works in a body shop, doesn’t read, hasn‘t got great grammar. I’m a writer, intellectual, OK I admit it, I’m a snob. I haven’t met him yet, he wrote me on Match.com and has been pursuing. We talked on the phone and he sounds like a nice guy, but I wonder if we have anything in common. He did say he likes museums. From his photo he seems nice looking—6 years younger than me. He suggested we just meet for a drink, he offered to buy me dinner, he acknowledged as well that we don’t have much in common but wanted to meet. He’s lonely. I agreed to meet him—what have I got to lose? I’ll let you know how it goes. I have fantasies of a companion, but if I can’t really talk to someone how much companionship is there? On the other hand he sounds very sweet and that would be nice. We have a date on Thursday for a drink.
February 10, 2009 – 11:56 am
If you know a divorcee who needs to move on buy her a wedding ring coffin. This adorable gift only costs $34.95 and looks like a real coffin and has a little ring insert. I would buy one and put it on my knick knack shelf if I hadn’t bought my own wedding ring, which is not a plain gold band but an art deco creation with a dragon. I love it. I just wear it on the other hand. He had nothing to do with it anyway which unfortunately was the story of my marriage. However, I recommend this site for the rest of you. It’s www.weddingringcoffin.com. I’d put in the link if I could figure out how.
Just thought I’d let you know I’m taking my daughter for her visit on Friday evening and bringing her flowers. We go to a local restaurant’s upstairs coffee shop and I’m buying myself something special for dinner. Their scallops are to die for. Then I go to a panel discussion about memoir . Woodstock is having a memoir festival this weekend and I’m looking forward to it. So maybe Valentine’s Day won’t be that bad
February 9, 2009 – 10:49 am
This is one of those times of the year when it’s really hard to be alone–and OLD. Oh, well, I’ll live through it. I’ve lived through six of them so far, and will live through the next 20 if I live that long.
Good luck to all you older divorcees on Valentine’s Day.
February 6, 2009 – 10:22 pm
I did some internet dating a while ago, had a couple of intense affairs, but when they didn’t work out I essentially gave up. I couldn’t face any more rejection. I find that I’ve aged out of the dating pool at 66. Men my age want younger women, or at least women who look younger. People tell me I look younger than my age, but I think I look my age. (that pic you see was taken about 5 years ago) Recently I went out with a guy who saw my profile on Yahoopersonals. He’s 62. We were kind of attracted to each other on the first–very short-date, but the second date bombed. He’s a widower for only 3 months who wants to find someone right away, which I think is ridiculous. I don’t really know what went wrong on the second date, just that he seemed intimidated by me, got very wierd and seemed to have to one up me on everything I said. Also, he whipped out a naked picture of his deceased wife–who was 53 by the way and had enormous boobs–and then told me she was built like a “brick s…t house.” Can you believe that? I was glad when the date ended and I think he was too. I’ve kind of given up. I feel I’ll never have sex again .
December 2, 2008 – 6:29 pm
I am so sick of telling my story.
Yesterday I went to yet another shrink, looking for someone to help me and my daughter heal our relationship. I started telling my story, one more time, and felt that I should write it all down in capsule form so I wouldn’t have to keep repeating myself. I’ve told the story to at least 4 or 5 shrinks lately-two were for me and two were for us. I wonder if I should write out the story and just hand it to the next shrink, I’m sure there will be one, or just keep telling it. Each shrink seems interested in different versions. The one I saw yesterday was intrigued with the fact that I hadn’t forgiven my ex and wanted to. Or seemed to want to.
He asked if I’d gone to my rabbi about my problems and I couldn’t figure out what he was getting at. I told him I interviewed my rabbi for my book and we talked about forgiveness. He asked what my rabbi had said. I told him about the Jewish take on forgiveness, that you don’t have to forgive unless the guilty party expresses remorse. He asked if I still wanted to forgive my ex. I thought about that for a minute and realized the question is almost irrelevant to me now. I can’t imagine forgiving my ex and it doesn’t seem important anymore. Why is that I wonder? I would like a more civil or friendly relationship for my daughter’s sake and that’s about all. The time for forgiveness has passed it seems to me. I doubt he cares one way or another either.
As for his wife, the WWW (Wicked Witch of the West) I can’t imagine forgiving her either. She is another order of creature and one I don’t want to deal with on any level. Oh, yes, he asked if she and I are alike. Once I might have said yes, because she mothers my ex the way I did, takes care of him. But that’s where it ends. She’s ruthless, implacable, and relentless in a way I’m not. She walks around totally sure of herself, sure that she’s doing the right thing, while I’m afflicted constantly with self-doubt. If she feels guilty for what she’s done the guilt is so deeply buried that it doesn’t exist anymore. No, I’m not like her, thank God.
November 26, 2008 – 9:19 pm
Sorry I’ve been remiss in posting. I’m no longer working for divorce360.com and though I’ll still be posting there as well as here, it’s hard to keep up blogging when you’re not being paid.
Anyway, wanted to let you know that I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving even though my daughter won’t be coming. I saw her today–we had a lovely visit and I’m feeling very hopeful about our relationship in the future. Interestingly she called and she left me a gift over the past weekend when her stepmother, the WWW (Wicked Witch of the West) was away. That tells me a lot. Her therapist also thought it was very interesting.
Anyway, tomorrow I’m hosting my foster daughter, her son, her aunt and friend, plus my friends Mitch and Wendy. Mitch is a gourmet cook and is making the turkey. Should be delish. Wendy is a vegetarian and will sit in the living room while we eat as a protest. 
She saw the Sarah Palin video about her pardoning a turkey while turkeys were being slaughtered in the background and it freaked her out. Well, I can’t blame her.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
November 17, 2008 – 12:01 pm
My last blog about revenge or forgiveness has elicted a large response on Divorce360.com. The amount of pain and bitterness poured out is stunning. Mostly from women. I’m sure men feel the same way, but it seems to be women who pour it out. I know bitterness is a bad thing, but if you’re still in the midst of a nasty divorce or custody battle with your ex, especially about children, I wonder how you stop feeling bitter. When parental alienation is involved bitterness seemingly can be permanent. I know the comparison is extreme, but people who go through wars are sometimes permanently traumatized. Divorce can be like a war, and the trauma can deeply imprinted on your psyche.
I have a friend whose ex kidnapped her children and turned them against her. This was 30 years ago–she was estranged from them during their entire childhood. They’re now grown and she has a relationship with them and they realize their father fed them a crock of bull about her. But how do you not be bitter about losing your children’s childhood? It hasn’t totally poisoned her life. She’s gone on to have a career and re-marry, but never had more children. She suffers from depression, but who knows if that’s the reason.
I am wishing I could stop being bitter and worried I will feel this way forever.
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