I am so sick of telling my story.
Yesterday I went to yet another shrink, looking for someone to help me and my daughter heal our relationship. I started telling my story, one more time, and felt that I should write it all down in capsule form so I wouldn’t have to keep repeating myself. I’ve told the story to at least 4 or 5 shrinks lately-two were for me and two were for us. I wonder if I should write out the story and just hand it to the next shrink, I’m sure there will be one, or just keep telling it. Each shrink seems interested in different versions. The one I saw yesterday was intrigued with the fact that I hadn’t forgiven my ex and wanted to. Or seemed to want to.
He asked if I’d gone to my rabbi about my problems and I couldn’t figure out what he was getting at. I told him I interviewed my rabbi for my book and we talked about forgiveness. He asked what my rabbi had said. I told him about the Jewish take on forgiveness, that you don’t have to forgive unless the guilty party expresses remorse. He asked if I still wanted to forgive my ex. I thought about that for a minute and realized the question is almost irrelevant to me now. I can’t imagine forgiving my ex and it doesn’t seem important anymore. Why is that I wonder? I would like a more civil or friendly relationship for my daughter’s sake and that’s about all. The time for forgiveness has passed it seems to me. I doubt he cares one way or another either.
As for his wife, the WWW (Wicked Witch of the West) I can’t imagine forgiving her either. She is another order of creature and one I don’t want to deal with on any level. Oh, yes, he asked if she and I are alike. Once I might have said yes, because she mothers my ex the way I did, takes care of him. But that’s where it ends. She’s ruthless, implacable, and relentless in a way I’m not. She walks around totally sure of herself, sure that she’s doing the right thing, while I’m afflicted constantly with self-doubt. If she feels guilty for what she’s done the guilt is so deeply buried that it doesn’t exist anymore. No, I’m not like her, thank God.
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My friends got a Wedding Ring Coffin for me when my wife and I divorced. As silly as it sounds, putting the ring in the coffin and closing the lid really helped bring me closure to the whole process.