Yesterday I went to my foster parenting class and learned something interesting during the training. Most of the training has been dead boring, almost impossible to sit through, especially since it’s in windowless room in the bowels of the Department of Social Services for 3 endless hours from 6:30 to 9:30 at night. I was snoozing through it last night until the one trainer who is a foster parent started speaking about how foster parents are supposed to support the birth parents and find nice things to say about them no matter how neglectful or abusive they are. I questioned this since when my foster daughter lived with us we never had anything good to say about her mother, who was a total loser, drug addict, prostitute, in and out of jail. My foster daughter wound up playing us against each other, and finally went back to her mother. In order to do this she had to totally reject us, turn us into the bad guys. I wondered what would have happened if I had supported her mother, encouraged contact etc.–maybe she wouldn’t have had to prove that she loved her mother by leaving us.
I couldn’t understand how a foster parent is supposed to support the birth parent, who, in the case of kids who wind up in foster care, is usually a terrible parent and has sometimes done awful things to the kids. The trainer compared it to the way you’re supposed to talk about your ex in a divorce—to not badmouth him or her no matter what you think. She even came up with examples of things to say to the child about their parent that would be truthful without supporting that parent’s bad behavior, such as “you have pretty hair just like your mom.” I was very touched by this, but what really got me was the comparison with how parents are supposed to treat each other during a divorce. My ex badmouthed me to my daughter and I doubt he ever had a good word to say about me.
The kicker here is that HE AND HIS WIFE TOOK THIS TRAINING. They’re both caseworkers with DSS plus they had to take it to qualify to be adoptive parents, which I know they did. How did they manage to miss this piece I wonder? Maybe they slept through it.
2 Comments
Hi Erica
I totally understand your reasons for giving up EFT! You have to be compatible with your therapist or it just does not work.
I think it is a shame though, because in my opinion EFT is the quickest, and therefore cheapest, form of therapy there is. It seems that talk therapy just goes round and round in circles, not resolving the issues.
Maybe you need to shop around for a different therapist. I don’t watch Saturday Night Live as I am English, (and living in England) but I could offer you a free 20 minute session using the phone to see how we get on if you like. (This is my usual way of working.) Then, if you want to continue, we can either arrange another time to work or carry on for an hour. I have a good phone deal so I can phone the US at no extra charge. Or we could use Skype if you prefer.
Let me know.
Patricia
Hi, Erica:
Well, I don’t know who you were “working” with, but it sounds like it wasn’t a good match. I always tell my clients that if they don’t feel comfortable with me, they won’t get the benefits of the processes I use and they should find someone else. And, you’re right in that the practitioner MUST have a sense of humor (and a thick skin).
That said, I hope that you find someone who can meet your needs. I have worked with law enforcement, military, and civilians using the EFT method, and it works. Delivery of service is VERY important, along with a clear explanation of who, what and how.
Good Luck