He’s History, You’re Not

I spent the weekend in New York City seeing old friends, including a reunion with Bob, a very old friend I hadn’t seen in more than ten years. I’ve been on a mission lately to reunite with old friends, most of whom I lost in one fell swoop after my marriage. My ex managed to sabotage my friendships in a very insidious way — not by forbidding me to see them or anything overt– but by convincing me they weren’t good friends, that they didn’t value me.

We used to get together a lot and I’d drag my ex to these get togethers despite the fact that he hated them and never said a word. He was pathologically shy, and couldn’t schmooze with my extremely talkative, sophisticated friends. The only member of the group he liked was gay Bob, a gentle soul, who was kind to him. I, however, was becoming less enchanted with Bob who never seemed to have time for me after he’d met his lover, Beryl. No more strolls through the Village, no more trips to Fire Island, no more long phone chats. I missed all that. Actually , we had all gotten coupled around the same time and the couple chemistry just didn’t work.

I’m still not sure exactly who dumped who and why. Even today there are varying stories depending on who tells them.. I remember that my ex somehow convinced me that my friends didn’t respect me, which to some extent was true. I’ve spent my life feeling like an outsider so he didn’t have to work hard to convince me, But actually he was the one who was the outsider, he was the one who felt disrespected. I’m sure my friends were also annoyed with me, but my ex managed to magnify any criticism they had. I know they weren’t fond of him and I felt I had to defend him because he was my man although in retrospect he wasn’t the least bit likeable. If I’d had any sense I wouldn’t have liked him either-and much of the time I didn’t.

Last weekend I got together with Bob, who has gone through his own enormous losses since I’d seen him last. In one year he lost Beryl, and the last two of his three brothers. In one year his whole family was gone. I’ve lost my family as well, to divorce. We sure had a lot in common. It was a joy to see him. He is still the charming sweetheart he always was, a little the worse for wear and for age, but none of us are getting any younger. Maybe someday we’ll get to wander around the Village and reminisce about old times.