Thursday night I had a run in with another local writer that taught me a much-needed lesson. I’d met her at a writing workshop and invited her to speak at a writers group I run at Barnes and Noble, but only a few people showed up. I emailed her the next day to apologize for the small turnout, offered to take her to dinner, and she responded with a blistering email:
<<how dare you invite me and then do NO promotion?
how dare you keep telling me how successful so-and-so’s (another local writer’s) reading was?
how dare you not even split the check with me?
how dare you be so lazy and not even invite the other 10 women from our group, who are all writing non-fiction?
no, you cannot take me to dinner
how much time and money would that cost me?
one thing i think you should know— i most assuredly will NOT be doing anything else with you when my paperback comes out
or any other time >>
Omigod I was devastated. I shot back a VERY apologetic email, explaining that I thought B&N would do the promotion, that I didn’t notice when the check arrived (I did give her what she said was my share) basically didn’t think of inviting our workshop group, did some major groveling including explaining that I have self-destructive impulses when I’m trying to impress someone and was distracted due to problems with my daughter. She wrote back that she forgave me and wished me well, but thought it would be best to avoid me in the future. I ran into town and sent her flowers
At dinner, before she got pissed, she told me join Facebook and “friend” her so I could see her webpage. I did that later and she didn’t respond to my invitation. No acknowledgement of the flowers either so far.
I posted about this on my journalist’s website and got a slew of responses telling me she was a major bitch, how dare SHE talk to ME like that, no one has a right to talk to me like that, they would have done their own promotion and be OK with a small turnout, and I shouldn’t have groveled. The more I thought about this the more I agreed. I realized that my first instinct when someone attacks me is to roll over and wait to be kicked, like a submissive animal. That’s what I did in my marriage, I never really stood up for myself when my ex went after me. In fact it never occurred to me that he shouldn’t speak to me that way. And it never occurred to me that this woman had no right to speak to me that way either.
This is a wake up call. The next time someone attacks me I’m taking a deep breath and checking it out with saner people before I roll over and play dead. Then I’m going to stick up for myself. I swear I am.