I just got back from my daughter’s therapist where I was supposed to have a visit with her. For those of you who have been out of my blogging loop, I haven’t seen my 10 year old adopted daughter since before the summer, except for running into her in the small town we live in. She is emotionally disturbed, in special ed and hasn’t wanted to visit me, the reasons aren’t clear but I feel her father and stepmother have alienated her against me. Today I was supposed to visit her in her therapist’s office, but as I was sitting there talking to the therapist, before she called my daughter into the office, she got called out on an emergency with another kid. I sat there for a half hour until someone came by and told me to go home, I couldn’t have the visit today. Now I haven’t had a visit with my daughter since June and I felt distraught. I went to the office and asked if she could be called to the office so I could just say hello. That wasn’t possible it seems.
Finally, Alice, the therapist came by with the little kid who was having the emergency and walked me to my daughter’s classroom where I said hello to her. She looked very grownup in her Girl Scout vest with all her Girl Scout badges. Seems today is Girl Scouts. I’d seen her stepmother walking by on her way to the Girl Scout meeting while I was sitting in the office or I might have dropped in.
It seems my presence has become anathema for my daughter and her caretakers. This weekend I went to a book signing by her aunt in Woodstock, where we both live. I just dropped in at the last minute (actually I’d just seen the notice for it). and her therapist chided me for doing that without telling her I was coming because she’s not good at dealing with anything unexpected. Actually my daughter was happy to see me there. She seemed fine with me coming to the book signing. Her stepmother was the one who couldn’t deal with it. She went ballistic when I tried to talk to my daughter, especially when I asked if she wanted to take a photo of the dog. It never occurred to me to warn her I was coming because that would mean communication with her father and stepmother which I am avoiding. I felt terrible about being scolded by her therapist, and then having to leave without the visit pretty much did me in.
I went by her classroom on the way out and she came up to me very formally and said “It’s ok. I’m not upset about the visit.” I said, “I am.” and told her I’d see her at RoshHaShanah services but that’s dicey because her “parents” will be there. Even her therapist now refers to her father and stepmother as her “parents.” She calls her stepmother “mom.” I have been effectively deleted from her life it seems.
I’m sitting here drinking a glass of wine and sobbing (don’t worry I usually don’t drink). This is all very painful. I don’t know why I keep trying. Maybe I should just give up.